XS is growing... We're reaching out to more people. Having more fun and hopefully, being more effective for Christ. But that doesn't seem to make me rejoice. Not many things are making me rejoice lately. Certain issues are chaining me down and wearing me out. Maybe its because I'm constantly reminding myself of what I'm lacking. Its like that gatorade advertisement where the guy is swimming in liquid concrete. Or the guy cycling with a giant ball and chain connected to his bike. Or the guy running with the parachute.

I'm going to stop talking about things like this now. I think it'll be good that I took my mind off it. Of course its fun to joke around once in a while, but do it too often and it starts to take its toll... Need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. Because misunderstandings will arise, and complications will cause problems. And people will not take me seriously next time. There was a glimpse of hope for a split second today. But I'm not even going to entertain it. Because I've come to a point where I confuse even myself. Where my soul takes me for a wild ride on the emotional spectrum. Thrilling highs.. but the lows leave a lot to be desired.

Let me end off with a short excerpt of an article.
I thought my wounded heart never would heal. I now realize I developed my list for protection. It was easier to have a shopping list no one could fulfill than to risk getting hurt again. Then God reminded me of his promise never to leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). I found this comforting in the face of the fact that loving anyone is a risk. Walking in the knowledge that God will carry me through the difficult times and will be with me no matter what now gives me the freedom to take wise risks in romantic relationships.

Additionally, I looked at others who made a poor choice in a (marriage) partner and determined not to be like them. While there's wisdom in this, at the same time I wasn't trusting God with my personal life. God showed me self-protective hearts can't love. I thought keeping a list would protect me. But after many years of sizing (people) up, I developed negative thought patterns. I didn't realize I was operating out of fear and a critical spirit until God revealed that to me. It was then I realized the list I held was, in reality, holding me.

Our society encourages an "It's all about me" attitude. Music, television, books, even well-meaning friends encourage self-promotion. But this attitude blocks love. First Corinthians 13:4 says love isn't proud. We can't focus on ourselves and then expect a relationship to flourish. Not only is this kind of thinking not conducive to a healthy relationship, it's also not conducive to a healthy heart, one free of pride and a judgmental spirit.

Lasting romance, the Bible tells us, is rooted deeply in the soil of sacrifice. List-making, on the other hand, can be critical and self-serving. Practicing selfless love, whether relationships lead to marriage or not, blesses everyone involved. And as Christians, we're called to selfless love, the kind that has others' best interest in mind.